Reflection

So Madison is almost 8 weeks old now. And we’ve survived thus far! As I reflect back on the past 8 weeks, there are some things that I wanted to share.

I had this idyllic vision of what having a baby would be like. I thought that first time I held her I would be automatically bonded to her. I thought I would spend my days rocking her to sleep, reading to her, and going for strolls around the neighborhood to show my beautiful little girl off.

Well, none of that happened as I had envisioned. I felt so horrible in the beginning when we first brought her home. Between the hormones, the pain, and her constant screaming – I wasn’t able to feel that instant connection. I felt like a babysitter, when I looked at her she didn’t feel like mine. My days were spent breastfeeding constantly, and hoping that I would find that one thing that would console her (for at least a little while anyway). I felt like such a bad mom, felt like it had to be my fault that she was so unhappy. There were times when I had horrible thoughts – things like, I hate this baby, I hate being a mom, why can’t she just be normal?

I’ve come to realize now, that it wasn’t what I was doing. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. It’s just how Madison is. And once I came to terms with that, I was finally able to bond with her a little more – for who she is, not for who I wanted her to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have days that I wonder why she just can’t be like all those other babies I see. But I just remind myself that she is who she is.