Reflection

So Madison is almost 8 weeks old now. And we’ve survived thus far! As I reflect back on the past 8 weeks, there are some things that I wanted to share.

I had this idyllic vision of what having a baby would be like. I thought that first time I held her I would be automatically bonded to her. I thought I would spend my days rocking her to sleep, reading to her, and going for strolls around the neighborhood to show my beautiful little girl off.

Well, none of that happened as I had envisioned. I felt so horrible in the beginning when we first brought her home. Between the hormones, the pain, and her constant screaming – I wasn’t able to feel that instant connection. I felt like a babysitter, when I looked at her she didn’t feel like mine. My days were spent breastfeeding constantly, and hoping that I would find that one thing that would console her (for at least a little while anyway). I felt like such a bad mom, felt like it had to be my fault that she was so unhappy. There were times when I had horrible thoughts – things like, I hate this baby, I hate being a mom, why can’t she just be normal?

I’ve come to realize now, that it wasn’t what I was doing. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. It’s just how Madison is. And once I came to terms with that, I was finally able to bond with her a little more – for who she is, not for who I wanted her to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have days that I wonder why she just can’t be like all those other babies I see. But I just remind myself that she is who she is.

Breastfeeding a High Needs baby

I had decided when I was pregnant that I definitely wanted to breastfeed my baby. I knew it would be the best thing I could do for her. So immediately after my C-section, in a drug induced stupor I may add, the nurses kindly helped me figure out what I was doing.

I was fortunate, Madison latched on right away and, with the help of a few other nurses during my time there, we were well on our way. The weeks that followed were not what I expected though to say the least. Everyone had told me how important breastfeeding is and how much it can do for the baby, but no one told me how hard breastfeeding is. I mean HARD. It adds so much more work to the whole process.

I thought I was prepared, I had the lanolin cream, the pads, the bras. Everyone failed to mention that my nipples would end up with scabs on them (even with a baby that latched on correctly), that it takes forever to find a comfortable position, and that it hurts like hell!

And on top of things, I have a high needs baby. Which meant I was breastfeeding her non-stop. I would finish one feeding and she would be crying for the next. She used me as a human pacifier, it was one of the few things that would instantly calm her those first few weeks. I was sleep deprived beyond belief, in a ton of pain (both from my surgery and from my breasts). I wanted to give up so bad those first few weeks. I cried constantly, and begged my husband to get formula. But something always stopped me from giving up – and I’m glad I didn’t honestly.